Sunday, October 9th 2pm
Beverly Hills Playhouse
254 South Robertson Boulevard
Beverly Hills, CA 90211
Hey, come see me this Sunday in a reading of Karen Herr’s screenplay, “Superheroes in Love”
Sunday, October 9th 2pm
Beverly Hills Playhouse
254 South Robertson Boulevard
Beverly Hills, CA 90211
I was all set to bitch about my treacherous experience serving jury duty this week. And then I was excused! Turns out, having a kid gets you out!
Why was I not more excited? I mean, how many people get to walk in and walk out of that stinky, depressing jury holding cell within an hour?
It comes down to this: I had decided jury duty would be like the airplane rides I used to take, before Direct TV and pre-Samson. They were not something I looked forward to at the time (unless I had the rare upgrade to first class), but I made the best of them.
These days I wouldn’t mind five hours of nothing.
I brought a book (still haven’t cracked open Bossy Pants), some work I’m doing on my commercial marketing materials, a hopefully-inspiring iPod download of Marianne Williamson talking about “women and career”, and a New Yorker magazine (I’ve been wanting to read the article about Jane Fonda “finding her way back to acting” that’s been waiting patiently on my bathroom floor). For the first time in about a year and a half, I was going to deliberately kill time. Of course, I would complain about it to whoever would listen, and roll my eyes along with the other people who sincerely didn’t want to be there.
About ten minutes after I found a window seat (hey, a window seat! With trees outside! Not too shabby), the clerk got on the mic and laid out our options…
If you stayed, you had to be available for an average of 5-7 business days to be on a panel. (Gulp!)
You could postpone your service, if you hadn’t already (I already had)
OR, you could be EXCUSED if:
You were over 70 years old (wait, weren’t those the only people who wanted to be on a jury panel?)
or you were CARING FOR A CHILD UNDER 5 YEARS OF AGE.
That’s me, that’s me!!!!
I walked out of the room, went into the line of people to be excused, got my ticket and waited to talk to the woman who’d set me free.
After looking at my excuse form, she only asked me one question: “are you working?”
Hmmm… My usual response to that question goes something like “Well, yes. I audition quite a bit for TV commercials (I just shot a PSA), I do stand-up comedy, I write a blog and I am writing a web series as well as a screenplay. I’m a writer/actor/comedienne, and I’ve done some comedic hosting. I’ve also appeared in several shorts and videos, some featured on Comedy Central. My goal is to do more on-camera scripted work, like sitcoms or comedy films. I’m a creator-performer. Kind of a Tina Fey-Lisa Kudrow-Ellen Degeneres type.”
But I knew better. I was not at a Hollywood networking event (and if I were, let’s hope I’d come up with something more “winning” than the above). I was in a dingy court office, where there was only one word that would set me free. When she said, “are you working?” I said, “no.”
And she signed my release. I was out of there before 10am.
So I felt mixed about the outcome. I would have liked a chance to sit and chill for a few hours. BUT would I have wanted to commit to 5-7 days or more of being stuck on a panel? HELLZ NO. I’d have to book out of commercial auditions. I’d be spending no time with Samson, yet making no money. And besides, this would mean 5-7 days of Rob on baby duty and also not working. No good.
And, guess what? I was able to beat the system! I got out of jury duty! I had a free ticket. A diaper-wearing, cheerios-eating, one-word-sentence-speaking ticket.
So, the moral of the story is:
If you can get out of jury duty, do it!
As for feeling guilty for not fulfilling my civic duty, I say: whatevs, when Samson’s over 5 and I have no excuses till I’m 70+ years old, I will be glad I took the opportunity.
Thanks, Samson! He keeps giving me more reasons to be grateful.
(But I still don’t know when I’m going to read about Jane Fonda’s comeback.)
Got any tales of jury duty woe? Wanna berate me for skipping out on our justice system? State your case in a comment:
I don’t believe in exploiting children for sexual purposes. I do, however, fully endorse baby exploitation in the name of comedy. After all, what’s the point of having kids if you can’t record them (spoiler alert) wearing inappropriate onesies and doing fake pull-ups?
I created this video with my good friend, Mandy Kaplan Klavens (who’s pregnant in the vid but has since had her baby — an adorable son, Casey). Her husband, Jeremy, edited it (thanks Jer!).
The video also features my husband Rob, who proudly wears his (enhanced) abs. The cutie patootie with him is my son Samson, who was about 6 months old when we shot it. Our friend Katie Barra, and her daughter, Anabell, share their success story of mommy-and-me pole dancing.
I hope you were entertained and/or offended.
Oy, my first blog entry. If there were a UCLA Extension course called “writing the perfect first blog entry” I would probably be sitting in the front row right now, pencil sharpened (or Macbook opened). Alas, my perfectionism takes me to many classes and workshops, but often keeps me from actually doing anything.
Perfectionism begone. I’m here to do.
For my first blog post, I’d like to discuss the terms I’ve used to describe myself: ACTOR, COMEDIENNE, NEW MOMMY. In an industry where everyone tells you to know your “type,” I have agonized over putting myself into categories. But here’s why I chose these few…
Why actor and not an actress:
To some, an actress is just a female actor. To me, it is a specific type of female actor. One who cries a lot. Maybe she’s crying for the male lead. Perhaps he’s going through inner turmoil and she can’t bear to see him in pain. He’s working out his shit and she’s along for the ride. She’s a supportive, tearful actress.
In comedy, nobody’s crying. Not real tears anyway. (And if it’s real tears, it’s only on rare occasions when the show decides to air a “very special episode.” Those are the ones that address heavy topics like rape or alcohol abuse. They’re special because they’re un-funny).
Another thing about actresses: People assume that a woman who calls herself an “actress” thinks she’s pretty hot stuff. It’s okay to be hot. You just aren’t supposed to think you’re hot. Or, you can think you’re hot, but not hotter than you really are.
I like to think I’m hotter than I think I am.
Ok, what about “thespian”? Well, come on now. Aside from the obvious rhyming issue, let’s look at what kind of acting we’re talking about. There’s no place for thespians in L.A. Thespians do Shakespeare In The Park, not Web comedy and TV commercials. When’s the last time an ad exec said, “OK, team. We need to find a really good thespian for this Mercury Insurance spot”?
So why comedienne and not comedian:
Comediennes don’t cry or think they’re hot. They’re just female counterparts . Like dudess is a female dude, or douchebaguette is a female douchebag. Well, actually, a douchebaguette is really a woman who loves douchebags, not necessarily a douchebag herself. I don’t know if there is such a thing as a female douchebag.
And what about new mommy as opposed to new mom:
Frankly, “mommy” sounds younger than “mom.” A “mom” wears pearls and her hair in a bob. A “mommy” can wear whatever she wants (though it probably has spit-up on it).
At the time of this blog post, my son Samson is 8 months old. He’s adorable, the light of my life, and extremely time-consuming. Every day is a challenge, learning how to raise a child and balance mommyhood with career pursuits. I look at my son, and my thoughts vacillate between “OMG what a miracle” and “OMG what did I get myself into?” I’m lucky to have a fantastic husband sharing parenting duties, but hubby also has big career goals.
I have so much to say on this topic…gotta save it, though. Samson just woke up from his nap.
Are you offended by my characterization of actresses? Do you know any female douchebags? Leave me a comment and we can discuss…
Very, very, very funny. This blog rocks my man-box. BTW, I once heard that “dildo” describes female douches. But I like your “douchebaguette” more. At least in formal settings. Looking forward to the next entry!
21:54 on July 26th, 2010
Glad to be of service to your man-box, Mr. Rob. Or should I say Ms. Rob?
I’ve never heard DILDO used for females. Wouldn’t it be DILDA? Or DILDETTE? In any case, maybe we should bring DILDO back. DOUCHEBAG is as overused as an old douchebag. Ewww.
10:17 on July 27th, 2010
Yay! Congrats on your first (and excellent and funny) blog post. Big sister (and big blogger) so proud. I thought that a douchebaguette was a long bread roll you spread with douche and eat for petit dejeuner. Oh, maybe that’s what your drawing is. You’re a step ahead of me. Apparently, a douchebaguette loves her some Kevin Connolly.
I like to call female douchebags Dilda Radner.
Dildo does need to be revived. I think it’s more insulting than douchebag. It looks so dumb on the shelf. Not that I go into dildo stores.
LBelgray recently posted...When high fives turn deadly
15:19 on July 27th, 2010
Thanks, big-bloggin-sis! High praise from a seasoned blogger like yo’self. Yes, the drawing is supposed to be a long french bread in love. I neglected to illustrate the douche spread, though. But wait — If you’re eating it for petit dejeuner, would “douche” just mean “shower”?
I love Dilda Radner. That’s dickin’ it old skool.
17:43 on July 27th, 2010
Well, yes – but “vagina shower.”
5:43 on July 28th, 2010
Marian Belgray's an L.A.-based standup comic and writer/producer who's contributed to HBO, Cinemax, Nickmom, Comedy Central, Pampers, Funny or Die, and TheNextFamily.com, and has created numerous comedy videos including the original animated- anatomical cartoon, "Dick and Jina." Marian’s performed at clubs around Los Angeles, including The Comedy Store, The Improv, IOWest, UCB, Malo, and Akbar. She hosts a monthly show called CUFirstTuesday, the first Tuesday of every month, for booked comedians and open mic-ers.