Before I begin my list, I must make a distinction between a discount and a bargain.
I love a good bargain. (Yes, I’m a Jewish woman but I won’t say that’s why I love a bargain lest I offend other Jewesses with my stereotyping). To me, a bargain is like a good secret. A friend will let you in on a bargain: “Oh, Amanda, you’ve GOT to go to Banana right away! They just put cashmere hoodies on sale and they won’t last!”
But a discount is no secret. It’s a huge sign in the window of the 99 cent store, begging you to come inside and help them get rid of their canned pineapple so that they can make room for Valentine’s Day decorations.
“Bargain Basement” is just another word for Discount. No, it’s worse. The basement is where discounts end up when they haven’t sold after being discounted. (You think all that canned pineapple got bought?)
Instead of “Bargain Basement,” it should be called “Discount Basement,” but then I guess you lose the alliteration.
Now you might say, “but Marian, you compared bargains to secrets. Don’t people put secrets in basements?” And my response would be, “You make a decent point, and I’m glad you were listening. But I said a bargain was like a GOOD secret. Something you’d WANT to know about. The basement is where people store their BAD secrets — dirty magazines, people they’ve kidnapped, clothes they wore when they were fat. If anything, good secrets might be in the attic, but not in the basement. Does that clear things up?”
Basements and attics aside, a “discount” means someone is desperate to get rid of it.
So here’s my list of THINGS I DON’T THINK SHOULD EVER BE DISCOUNTED…
1) SUSHI All-you-can-eat Sushi Bars may be alluring to some. To me, the term “all you can eat” makes me think of hot dog eating contests. And if the restaurant’s willing to let you stuff as much of their raw fish in your mouth as possible, how fresh can it be?
3) PLASTIC SURGERY
4) ANY SURGERY, for that matter. (Though, if my OB/Gyn would like to give me a rebate for my C-section, I will gladly accept. We’ll discuss rebates another time.)
5) THERAPY Again, I’d like to pay less for this but I’m not going to seek counseling from someone who’s begging to give it.
6) MASSAGE I was tempted by a Groupon for this one, but I opted out. In my head,”discount massage” came to mean “cheap rubbing” and it didn’t sound relaxing to me.
8) BABY GOODS THAT GO IN THE MOUTH OR BUTT My baby deserves top dollar.
I’m sure you have more to add to the list. Or maybe you think I’m a snob. Either way, I promise your comment won’t end up in the bargain bin.
How do you feel about a discount on baby goods that go in YOUR mouth or butt?
And, finally, are you really okay with canned pineapple being discounted? Because that goes in our dad’s mouth. Then again, so does old salad.
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18:10 on January 17th, 2011
"Discounted adult baby goods are ok, as long as they’re not used.
Anything that goes in dad’s mouth should probably be discounted.
You reminded me of another thing that should not be discounted: Salad bars, especially the ones in new york bodegas."
15:04 on January 18th, 2011
"I saw the link to your previous article, and it inspired me to leave a comment for this entry… Santa should not be discounted. Nobody should be made to feel like they took their child to the “discounted” Santa for Christmas photographs. If some Santas are cheaper than others, that fact shouldn’t be highlighted anywhere."
18:46 on January 17th, 2011
"That’s a good one. What services do you think the cheaper Santas cut back on? Is it in the costume, or how much love they give the kids? Actually, it’s probably the discounted ones that act more affectionate… And I’d add most religious experiences to the list, just to be multi-culti. Bar Mitzvahs, Scientology rites (whatever they do), that sort of thing."
15:09 on January 18th, 2011
"yeah- definitely no discount on circumcision."
0:37 on January 19th, 2011
"Oh shit! Thanks. Totally forgot that one, and I guess it wouldn’t be included in the “baby goods that go in mouth or butt” category, but close.
Discount Mohels are sketchy. But again, I wouldn’t turn down a rebate!"
14:54 on January 19th, 2011
"thanks, marian– you reminded me, i should probably deal with those people in the basement.
definitely “LOL”ed throughout…"
0:43 on January 19th, 2011
"Yeah, they’re down there right now trying on your fat clothes and reading your Playgirls."
14:55 on January 19th, 2011