During pregnancy and right afterward, I realized there are so many terms associated with babies and baby-having that either make no sense or are just plain yucky. So I compiled a list.
BLOODY SHOW - this is supposed to be the bit of blood that comes out of your vadge right before you go into labor. Doesn’t it sound like a Halloween performance? Like one of those improv gigs where they throw ketchup at the audience? Or a Brit talking about a bad play? “I gave it a go for mum’s birthday, but the lead actor was such a wanker, I left that bloody show during intermission.”
SPOTTING – More blood coming out your cootch. If you see blood during pregnancy, should you panic? Yes. Unless it’s just “spotting.” I always think of the movie Trainspotting. Which has nothing to do with blood in your panties. Good movie though.
MUCUS PLUG – Yuck, yuck, yuck. This also comes out, right before the baby starts arriving. Anything with the word “mucus” in it is just gnarly. Is there an aspect of labor that’s NOT god-awful? Ok, maybe the baby part…
UMBILICAL STUMP – This is the bit of umbilical goodness that hangs around after the baby’s born, till it eventually falls off on it’s own and becomes the belly button. It’s in the category of why-the-fuck-don’t-people-tell-you-about-these-things-before-you-have-kids. The umbilical stump is like that loose tooth that’s been threatening to come out when you least expect it, and eventually winds up in an apple or corn cob. Eugh, it’s gross as it is, but do we need to incorporate the word “stump.” I can’t not think of a limb that was amputated in ‘Nam.
CLUSTER FEED — This is when your baby sucks on your tit till it falls off, and then wants more milk. It’s awful in itself. Do we have to add the awful name to go with it? Go ahead, call it Cluster- (something else).
EFFICIENT FEEDER -A baby who latches on quickly, eats what they need, absorbs the nutrients, and lets the mom sleep and go back to work in three weeks. I hate that there are babies out there who do this. Way to take all the joy out of eating.
MOM BRAIN – I haven’t officially decided how I feel about this one. It’s a good excuse for forgetting to empty the Diaper Genie but I can’t tell how real it is. Are the hormones causing me to take five minutes to think of the word “soup”? Is it lack of sleep? Or was I just as much of a dingbat before, and now I have a name for it?
VOLUNTARY SMILE – When your baby makes the choice to smile, as opposed to being forced to for pictures. Ok, not really. I guess it’s when the smile is a smile as opposed to gas. I don’t really know, but it’s too close to Vertical Smile for my taste.
I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few (Mom Brain!) Help me out and share your favorite, or least favorite, baby-related terms. Or just comment on mine. Right here:
P.S. Next time I’ll do a list of the non-baby-related terms I hate (like “diarrhea of the mouth.” Yuck.) You can share yours here and I’ll be sure to include them.
Mom B aka Baba
23:53 on September 28th, 2012
21:12 on December 15th, 2012
"Oooops my other name is a anon.
21:15 on December 15th, 2012