Yeah. I’m not one of those. It may look like it, because my kids are wearing their store-bought generic crap. But it takes me a LONG time to get there.
In Halloweens past, I’ve revealed the turmoil I go through before the big night. The costume drama makes my "Momster" rear her scary head. (The Momster = my inner monologue that contemplates all the choices and won’t shut up.) Every year, I tell the Momster voices to go away. But they won’t die.
Here’s a song about my Momster bedlam this Halloween season (so far).
On the 20th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: Less than three weeks out! What are the kids gonna be?
On the 19th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: Sweet! My son already has his Dodgers uniform/costume that he wears every day and still wants to wear for Halloween. It’s pretty stinky, but whatevs. What’s my daughter gonna be?
On the 18th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: I could make her something really cute-- a porcupine! I bet Pinterest has something... But she said she wanted to be a princess. Lord, give me the strength to accept my children's attachment to gender stereotypes. Hey, how ‘bout a Porcupine Princess? I know, I’ll go to Griffith Park and collect pine needles and -- wait! No! I said I wasn’t going to spend too much time on costumes this year. Gotta take care of ME!
On the 17th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: My son’’s still a Dodger, but my daughter said she wants to be Elsa again. Doesn’t she realize that’s so last year? And it’s too soon to be making an ironic comeback. Whatever, that’s what she wants. I just need to go along with it. We’re all set, she still has her old costume. But wait. It doesn’t fit. Am I really gonna buy a new one? I should go on the mom boards and search for an Elsa size 4. That would be responsible, and reduce the landfill. But people usually keep those for dress-up, and even if I do find one, I’d have to arrange to pick it up… F- it. What does Amazon have for me…
On the 16th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: Amazon has a million “Elsa-inspired” costumes. Which one do I pick? All the reviews say they’re all crap. What about the “Chasing Fireflies” catalogue that my son was looking at in the car? Those are so much cuter. They look like they have fabric that “breathes.” $150 for a kid’s costume? Ew. Who buys that? I guess I could justify it if I were handing it down or donating afterward... No-that’s too fancy for Silverlake. And besides, my husband would kill me...
On the 15th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: Hey, what about Disney? No, that’s really giving into commercialism. Buying Disney is like handing over my dignity to “The Man.” I’ll just look at their site, just to rule it out...Hey! Elsa costumes are half price! And they’re the real Elsa, not “Elsa-inspired.” Omigod! It’s got a brooch that sings “Let It Go”! No! I couldn’t! That’s so annoying. But she'd LOVE it. And maybe it’s kind of kitschy. Like, it’s as gross as you can possibly get. It’s so disgusting it’s cool. It’s like when Paris Hilton pretended to like Target and everyone called it “Targét.” Or was it Nicole Richie?... I’m just gonna bite the bullet. I’m actually ordering from Disney. No more deliberating. The shoes are only 10 bucks. I can’t...They have tiny heels... She’s only 3 and a half...They light up... No way. I’m not doing that. But she will adore them. I can’t believe I’m doing this. My kids own me.
On the 14th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: If I get her a new costume, my son’s gonna be so jealous. Whatever, that’s too bad. He gets plenty. He doesn’t need anything new...If he has a tantrum, tough noogies…. Though, there are a million events before Halloween. He could wear Dodgers to one and a new one to another. But he’ll probably just want to wear the new one if he has one. Baseball season’s over anyway. The Dodgers are bad guys this year because Utley broke that guy’s leg. My parents are already disappointed we didn’t root for the Mets. I’m such a traitor. Do I want to let my son represent dirty playing?...He did say he liked a “stormtrooper” he saw in the Chasing Fireflies catalogue. The Disney one is an actual stormtrooper, as opposed to “stormtrooper-inspired.” I can’t believe Disney bought Star Wars...I can’t believe I’m considering contributing to the evil empire. But he’d look so cute in it, and he loves playing dress-up! He’s occupied for hours when he wears a costume. That’ll free up my time a little bit...Ok, I’m just gonna do it. Shit, of course the stormtrooper’s not on sale. Star Wars never goes on sale. Well, I’m saving myself time. That’s more valuable than money. And it’s still a lot cheaper than Chasing Fireflies. I’m just gonna order both costumes. I’m pulling the trigger. No more stressing. No standing in line at Michaels or JoAnne’s. Not this year. Here I go… entering the credit card info. Hmmm...Disney provides a space for promotional discounts. I should use a discount if I can find one. I’ve wasted so much time already. I could’ve made a costume by now. I’ll just Google it, I guess...Here’s one for free shipping! Yay! It’s a sign that I’m doing the right thing...Hope it’s not a scam. It worked! I’m Done! Hurray for Disney!
On the 9th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: Shit. Now my daughter says she “actually wants to be Anna, not Elsa.” Well, too bad. It’s over. Once she sees the Elsa costume and shoes she’ll forget about Anna...I wonder if there’s a way to sew together two costumes to be Anna AND Elsa. That would be different. I’ll just peek on Amazon...so many costumes...so many reviews...No, no, no, too much work. F--- “different.” Ha! I used to want them to be so unique, but now I just want to be done. And I mean, of course, I want them to be happy. I’ve come a long way. Yay for me. I can’t believe I had to go through Disney to make them happy. I feel gross. No, I’m not gonna go there. Once we open the box and I see their reactions, I won’t care about “The Man.” There’s a reason Disney is so f-ing successful. They know how to make kids happy. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. My son’s still talking about being a Dodger. Awww. Maybe I should hide the storm trooper till after Halloween. What is wrong with me?
On the 8th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: The costumes arrived. Not gonna open them yet. The kids’ll get tired of them before Halloween if they have them too soon… The kids are bored...I’m bored...They’re asking for TV...No, we’re going to do a craft...We could carve the pumpkin...Too messy. It’ll rot by Halloween. Ok, I’m opening the Disney box...Hurray, the kids love the costumes! My daughter’s obsessed with the shoes. Good call! My son wants a gun to go with his stormtrooper getup. I said he can use his lightsaber. He told me storm troopers didn’t have lightsabers. I said no weapons, then. I’m so proud of me!
On the 5th day Before Halloween, the Momster said to me: What’s that box from Amazon? Holy s--- did I go and order the Anna costume after all? I mean the “Anna-inspired snow princess dress”? I was just browsing. Did I actually click BUY? Well, I’ll just return it...Though, she’d really have fun putting it on, just for dress-up. She could be Anna while our neighbor plays Elsa. I’ll just hide it till after Halloween. No sense confusing her. But what about the landfill? Maybe if she wears it and occupies herself while playing, I can spend more time on causes like reducing the landfill. Or more time on my career, and then make enough money to buy solar panels. If I keep the costume, I’m helping the environment. My little stormtrooper won’t stop making everything a gun. NO GUNS. That’s where I draw the line. Halloween is not about guns. Chainsaws and Axes maybe, but not guns. I just want this month to be over. Why do all the things that are supposed to be fun for kids become chores for parents? Stop. Breathe. Be in the moment. That’s the secret. That’s how you have fun while your kids dress up like everybody else and go from house to house hoarding candy that you swear to yourself you’ll gradually throw out this year instead of stuffing in your mouth after bedtime. It’s gonna be fine. They’re happy. I’m not the only mom who buys her kids’ costumes from Disney. Just maybe the only mom in Silverlake. Whatever. What other people think is none of my business. Remember, the kids’ costumes are not a reflection on me!
On the 4th day Before Halloween, My husband said to me: Halloween’s this weekend. What’re we gonna be?