So in honor of Summer’s End, I have compiled a list of a few things I find depressing. Now I’m not talking clinical depression, where you want to lie in bed for a month or down a buttload of pills. More like the passing depression that makes you go, “yuck, that’s depressing. Quick, let me just think about something else…um…Candy!” Which usually works. Unless my mind goes to stale candy. The kind you find in the bottom of your purse that you know is old but you’re hungry and there’s nothing else to eat. A Werther’s original or loosely wrapped Hershey’s Kiss that’s melted and then re-hardened a couple of times. It probably has purse gunk in it but you don’t want to waste it so you brush off the gunk, unwrap it and eat it, hoping nobody saw. So maybe candy’s probably not the best choice of non-depressing topics.
It appears that I need a whole blog post just to introduce this list. Ok, without further ado, in no particular order…
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS I FIND DEPRESSING:
1) The term “guilt-free goodies” This does not mean they are healthy. They’re just marketed as “guilt free” because they are less tasty.
2) Baby clothes that say “Mommy’s Little…” or “Daddy’s Little…” For some reason, I have to pay more NOT to have this cheesy shit written on my onesies.
3) The moment when you realize the movie you’re watching is going to be a physical comedy.You know how it goes: You’re sitting at home bored or on a cross-country flight and there’s that movie on that you had thought might be funny but never caught in the theaters. About 5 minutes into it, Sandra Bullock trips on her high heel and falls into a waiter who happens to be carrying a tray full of champagne glasses! (Trays of glasses are a requirement for physical comedy).
4) Crackers kept in the fridge. I find this sadder than stale crackers in the pantry. If they’re in the fridge they’re already ruined. At least the ones in the pantry once tasted good.
5) When people don’t have cable. OK I realize this is a cost-effective way of being superior, but come on. Bad reception plus no Madmen equals depressing.
6) The Post Office. This falls into the category of Things That Walk The Line Between Depressing And Annoying. (Yet another blog post).
7) When people call themselves “Foodies.” Just depressing.
9) When a hot guy lifts up his arms to reveal sweat/deodorant stains on his once-considered-hot-but-now-gross white v-neck t-shirt and you can usually see underarm pubes peeping through, juxtaposed with the yellow stains. Please, dudes, take heed: when the shirt pits turn yellow, what you now have is a rag.
10) The “vegetable medley.” This one’s borrowed from my brother-in-law, a restaurant owner. He’s a legitimate “foodie” (but he probably wouldn’t use that word to describe himself).
11) Number 10 reminded me of another thing I find depressing: When people rate the quality of a restaurant by the portion size. I once dated a guy who would pick a restaurant by peering in their windows and looking at people’s plates. Then he’d be like, “portions look good. Let’s go in.” I did not marry this gentleman. (Just in case you thought that sounded like Rob).
12) Since we discussed the end of summer camp, I’ll include The over-aged counselor. Usually he/she was all of 23, but in camp age that’s practically AARP status. It’s the same dude/dudette who hangs out on the college campus years after graduating. Truth be told, if it weren’t depressing I’d probably still sign up for counselor duty. I clearly miss camp.
I feel like I just finished my summer book report and it’s not even September yet. And no Cliff’s Notes!
I have so many more, but another time. What’s your favorite thing that depresses you???? Come on, it’s healthy to let it out.
10:20 on August 31st, 2010
Hilarious. Are you now depressed that you made this a single blog post when it could have been at least ten? That always happens to me.
I’ve always hated the word “foodie.” So does Steven. I picture people licking sauce off their fingers and moaning in ecstasy when I hear that word.
You know what’s more gross than the pit stains? Little white chunks of deoderant balled up in the underarm pubes. These are aluminum- and-talc-based dingleberries.
So much more to comment on. But I’ll end with this: I didn’t realize you were still wearing onesies.
LBelgray recently posted...Chopsticks suck Or- why Don Draper and I should hang out
10:54 on August 31st, 2010
Yes, totally could have been multiple blog entries. I almost made the intro a separate entry but I really wanted to get the list out. In these hard times, people need lists.
Euwww, you’re description of a “foodie” brings it to a whole ‘nother level of depressing.
Deodo-dingleberries. I’m thinking we need another subcategory: Depressingly Gross.
I will wear a onesie, as long as it’s breathable and usually just around the house.
15:13 on August 31st, 2010
Very funny blog posts! I found them on Laura’s “feed”. I actually find the 4th of July depressing because it means only one more holiday weekend and the summer is over. I never appreciate the summer enough because I am so aware of how fast it is going and it no longer morphs into fresh notebooks, pens, and new crushes, now it’s just the end of leaving early on Fridays. I might have to start keeping Shabbat again.
6:38 on September 4th, 2010
I don’t know if it’s a proper replacement for half-day Fridays, but I like the idea of bringing sexy Shabbat back. The wine, the candlelight…it’s really quite romantic. But it does make me think of something else depressing: trying to find a decent Challah in L.A. I’ve had to make my own. And don’t get me started on what they consider a “deli” out here…
Before i get too melancholy, I’ll just say thanks for reading, Vic! Glad u like.
20:44 on September 7th, 2010
Funny stuff! For me, the end of summer means the end of schedule-free days, although this summer wasn’t typical. Back to routine! Summer needs to be much longer.
I want a definition of a “hot guy.” Does Dad qualify? He doesn’t wear sleeveless t-shirts (thank goodness).
19:06 on September 6th, 2010
No, by “hot” I did not mean “overheated.” But thanks for the image of Dad in a sweaty tank top. That would probably qualify for the new list (see reply to Laura’s comment).
20:53 on September 7th, 2010
Very funny post. Ha. Love 11 and 10 and 3. After reading this and anything by Laura, it’s official, funny must be a genetic thing.
10:57 on September 7th, 2010
Thanks for reading, Damien! Yes, number 3 might have been the instigator for the whole list. I can’t remember exactly what movie it was, but I’m ashamed to say I had actually paid the extra five bucks for it on Jet Blue. As soon as I swiped my credit card, the comedy turned physical. I should have demanded a refund.
21:02 on September 7th, 2010